On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
