i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
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I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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