I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
