this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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