she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
