I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
