my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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