i love accidental penises.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
