If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She's the barista slut.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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