using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We just shotgunned beers for America
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
