does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
