he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
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I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
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I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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