dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just high enough for therapy.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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