Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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