apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
I love us.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog