when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
