You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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