walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
