Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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