At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
