My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
