I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
