OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
