I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
