I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
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My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
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One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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