Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
