My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize