You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
