she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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