Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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