I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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