Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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