I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
