1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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