My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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