Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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