Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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