he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
