She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dignity is for republicans.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
