I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
