Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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