I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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