i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
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