I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
