Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
