i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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