So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize