i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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