Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
