Barsexuality is the new black.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
