i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
