I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
