I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
