i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
whose parrot is this?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
