So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It's Friday. Sex?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
