He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
