Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
