oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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