The maid of honor just puked.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
