I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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