Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
